Mind your manners: Etiquette, comportment, and chivalry today

Imagine you’re on a morning walk in your local area. As you stroll, each person you pass looks you in the eye, smiles, and says good morning. You return home, feeling cheerful, energised, and grateful for your friendly neighbours. 

Now consider that on your walk the following day, not one person acknowledges you. Passersby avert their gaze, keep their heads down, and say nothing as they pace past. 

It’s hardly a question of which situation you’d rather find yourself in, but you may have observed the latter scenario becoming more prevalent in recent years—and you wouldn’t be alone. Social research company McCrindle found that saying hello or acknowledging another person is one of many etiquette practices diminishing in Australia. Motioning to a stranger to pass by using the phrase ‘after you’ is another gesture in regress, according to nine in 10 (89%) Australians.

In general, people love returning to manners and etiquette because they provide guiding principles for the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do things, says Australian etiquette expert and founder of the Good Manners Company, Anna Musson. 

“Good manners are all about thoughtfulness and the art of putting another person’s needs before your own. And etiquette are the social rules about how we do that,” Anna explains. 

“My impression has been that people’s understanding of manners and etiquette is that it’s a bunch of rules for rules sake, whereas it’s about being thoughtful and kind for the sake of others.

“Many manners started out of a social necessity and have become a social norm. For example, a gentleman walking on the side of the footpath nearest the road used to be to protect a woman from the splash of a carriage, so that he would get the splash instead of her. Now, that has become a sign of thoughtfulness and safety, and it's not because women can’t protect themselves. It’s a sign of a gentleman being thoughtful.”

You might not consider Australia to have strong codes of etiquette, particularly when it’s common to see people getting around barefoot in parts of the country. But Aussies are regarded for their friendliness and laid-back nature, and it turns out the mannerisms that convey this are demonstrations of etiquette. In fact, particular etiquette practices shape cultures and societies across the world.

“I think it’s important to note that etiquette is dynamic, and we roll with the social norms that change with time and culture. Over in Italy, it’s perfectly acceptable to burp at the table. Here, it’s frowned upon,” Anna says. 

“Good manners and etiquette are important because they add to the flow of your community. We need to remember, as Australians, to look up and smile, say good morning to our neighbours, and say thank you to the bus driver... It’s actually just the simple things that make the world go around.

“The solution to life is not thinking about yourself but thinking about others. So, bring in your neighbour’s bin, mow your neighbour’s nature strip, and hold the door for others when you go through it.”

In multicultural countries like Australia, where people from a range of diverse backgrounds mix every day, Anna says a unified etiquette code helps our communities run more smoothly. 

“Keeping left on the footpath is probably my biggest pet peeve. As a multicultural country where people come from all over the world, walking on the left side of the footpath just keeps order. It means you can walk normally without bumping into people,” Anna says. 

“I would love to see signs on our footpaths that say keep left … So, these are not rules for rules’ sake. They help society function. 

“Things are always changing, however, there are some rules that will always stay with us, such as saying please and thank you.”

A smile can help soften the delivery of hard news or a tough conversation—so it can be tricky to decipher the best way to communicate through a screen. ‘Netiquette’ refers to the guidelines for connecting with people online, and experts say it’s important to consider how the tone, timing, and context of text messages and emails might impact how one’s desired message is conveyed.

“If you were to ask, what’s better: a text, a call, or a social media outreach? The rule of thumb with that one is to think of the recipient and what they would prefer. So, I like a phone call or a text, but my 16-year-old son prefers Snapchat,” Anna says.

Because technology has facilitated social isolation, Anna says it’s more crucial than ever to engage in meaningful human interactions. She says there’s no situation too small to demonstrate thoughtfulness for others.

“It’s very tempting [to shut down and operate in your own world] if you’re not having a great day, but we’ve got to resist that urge and look outward,” Anna says.

“Studies have shown that increased isolation causes depression, and the solution to depression is putting someone else’s needs before your own.

“Manners are about connecting with others and participating in the world. They make it more pleasant to be alive.”

While manners are subject to evolve across time and cultures, Anna says making others feel seen and heard will likely always be in fashion, and she has some great etiquette tips.

“My number one piece of advice is always read the room. Before I speak, before I dress, before I act, what’s the vibe like here? Are people relaxed? Is it a young crowd or a senior crowd? If you can read the room, you should always be in good hands,” Anna says.

“The most important thing in a conversation is to listen to what the person is saying and respond to what they are saying. So, most people in a conversation are waiting for their turn to speak about how that topic relates to them ... Instead, we should ask a follow-up question based on what that person said. That is a good conversation.

“Almost everywhere I go, I introduce myself using my full name because I want to give people the opportunity to place me. It’s not about me, it’s about them. Manners are always about everyone else.”

So, where does chivalry fit into the conversation? As etiquette shifts, it can be difficult to navigate whether certain ‘romantic’ gestures are still relevant or appropriate. For example, is there a hard and fast rule of who should pay on a first date?

“Something that has definitely changed is a woman’s ability to pay. I’m a strong advocate that whoever invites the person should pay on the first date, not because of gender, but because of manners. It’s incredibly unromantic to go 50/50 on a first date. To invite someone on a date, you should have every intention of paying for the whole date or don’t go. And this is a topic that is hotly debated among daters,” Anna says.

“It’s really easy to get caught up in the minutia around manners, and we can have arguments about gender roles and chivalry, but the bottom line is, it comes down to kindness and thoughtfulness.

“Opening a door for another person is not about age, gender, or social position—it’s about kindness. And if we think less about the rules and more about how we can help other people in life, the world will be a better place. That is what good manners and etiquette are all about.”