Talking intimacy with your partner
Taking part in a sexual activity is one thing. Why can having a conversation about it be, somehow, so much harder?
By the National Seniors Research team.
Lots of older Australians have sex with other people. We know this because the research tells us, as we have described in previous issues of Our Generation.
But many of us find it difficult to talk about sex with our sexual partners, whether they’re a long-term spouse or someone new in our life.
There are many reasons for this, but talking about sex is important if we are to get what we want out of an intimate relationship. Afterall, research since the 1970s has shown that lack of sexual communication is linked to a lack of sexual satisfaction.
So, if you’re not already confident at it, it’s never too late, and now is the best time to start.
Even an awkward conversation is better than none. Let’s take a leaf out of the Pinnacle Foundation’s book for their hilariously beautiful ads on talking about LGBTIQA+ matters with your kids, and ‘make awkward awesome’.
Let’s break down the reasons it’s difficult to talk about sex.
First, note that this isn’t just an ‘older people problem’. Sex is a stigmatised subject in our society for everyone, at all ages.
And, let’s face it, the language we have for sex is woefully inadequate. Scientific terms are decidedly unsexy and hard to pronounce. Slang terms can sound coarse, or risk being indecipherable to the listener.
There often are no good words for the nuances of our individual sexual pleasure, or our specific sexual biology, because we don’t talk about sex enough to develop them.
It can take courage to talk about sex. Even starting this column presented a risk of reader complaints for breaking the taboo around sex and the older person. For the record, we didn’t receive any complaints—only thanks.
Perhaps there’s a lesson in that for all of us. People are often extremely grateful when we start conversations about sex because they’re busting to talk about it too. Be brave!
Your topic suggestions
Our Generation’s sex column has been running for more than a year now, and we’ve had lots of encouraging responses from members—thank you!
We have some ideas for future column topics, but we’d also love to hear from you. What topics would you like us to cover? Email us any time at research@nationalseniors.com.au.
We can’t promise to cover every topic suggested, as there always needs to be a research angle and credible sources for us to draw on. But we would really value your input.
Here are some of our ideas—what do you think?
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Using dating apps as an older person
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Negotiating what you like with a sexual partner, whether they are long-term or new
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Non-sexual intimate touch options for people without a partner
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Body image and sexuality as an older person.
There's a reason older people find sexual conversations more difficult than younger people.
Two highly readable Australian research papers from 2017and 2018 explored some of these by drawing on interviews with older people conducted in the Sex, Age & Me project.
Many of us grew up at a time when sex was even more stigmatised, so we rarely had the opportunity to talk about it openly. Compound that for those of us raised in more conservative households or communities.
For example, one Sex, Age & Me participant, Marty, 77, commented about “frank and fearless communication” not being a big part of sex when he was growing up.
Jack, 64, described his family-based sex education as, “My mother just said to me, ‘don’t do it’”. For Tina, 60, it was simply her mother’s advice to “make sure you’re using contraception”. Those early set patterns can last a lifetime.
Edwin, 66, shared that “talking about sex wasn’t big” for him either growing up, and we “carry that culture with you through your life”.
Similarly, Elli, 59, said, “Our own sex education was pathetic, and so … talking about sex confidently and possibly being sexually confident … for people over 55, it’s still quite … problematic.”
Despite lack of sexual conversation in our early years, many of us were still expected to know what to do when we first had sex.
For heterosexuals, in particular, there is a traditional understanding about how a sexual encounter should proceed, and an assumption that following that stereotypical, intercourse-oriented ‘start-middle-end’ script, will result in pleasure for all.
Very often, that simply isn’t true. A 2004 study interviewed 152 heterosexual couples and found that, on average, each person’s perception of what their partner wanted was more strongly related to their own sexual stereotypes than to their partner’s reality.
Unfortunately, the myth of the script is so culturally powerful, it can make us feel like it’s our fault if we don’t enjoy sex that way, so we grin and bear it and don’t speak up.
The presence of a script can, itself, be a huge barrier to communication too. Research has shown that same-sex couples are far more likely to communicate about what they want sexually than heterosexual couples because of the lack of a script of this kind. If there’s no script, we often have no choice but to communicate.
That’s also a reason heterosexual couples can have better sex later in life when bodily changes disrupt the ability to follow a stereotypical intercourse-oriented script, as we reviewed in Exploring sexuality when your capacity
changes, Autumn 2024, page 37.
Removing the script can set the sexual imagination free.
As researchers, not clinicians, we cannot give therapeutic advice, but we can share some of the communication tips that others have written.
Researchers love investigating problems, but solutions are harder to study, so there’s not much out there, but there is some.
Two New Zealand researchers, this year, published a meta-analysis of 30 previous studies to figure out the factors related to talking about sex with a partner.
One thing their research found was a strong link to talking about oneself generally, in a non-sexual way. This suggests that fostering a relationship of emotional intimacy and regular personal sharing may grease the wheels of sexual conversation too.
You could consider revitalising an ongoing relationship with new self-revelations. Or if you’re thinking about a new relationship, start the way you want to continue.
A book called Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality is also brimming with practical suggestions for improving sexual communication.
Lucky for us, the communication chapter is free to download here.
Some of their key suggestions include:
- Agree on goals with your partner. In the first instance this can be as simple as, “Let’s improve our relationship by getting to know each other better”.
- Always keep building care and trust so you both feel confident about opening up with each other.
- Set aside a time to focus on the topic of sex. Together, decide on a quiet, non-threatening environment for this, where there will be no interruptions and you’ll both feel comfortable talking openly.
- Recognise you don’t know everything. Start from scratch and ask your partner questions about what they like.
- Recognise your partner can’t know everything either so describe your thoughts and desires to them. Don’t be shy—now is the time to speak your mind.
- Phrase suggestions positively, in terms of what you’d like rather than what your partner does wrong. For example, “I’d like to do XYZ”, rather than “You don’t do enough XYZ”, or “My ex never did XYZ with me”.
The book even suggests practicing saying difficult words in front of a mirror until you’ve said them so many times, they lose their impact for you.
There can also be great benefit in seeking help from a couples therapist to mediate a conversation. If that isn’t possible, discussing your needs with a counsellor individually can help you decide what you want to say and how best to say it.
Just like the Pinnacle Foundation’s ads, you too can ‘make awkward awesome’.
What topics would you like us to cover? We’d love to hear from you. Email us anytime at research@ nationalseniors.com.au
This article is featured in National Seniors Australia’s quarterly member magazine, Our Generation.
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