Sad truth behind family estrangement
Relationships between parents and their children sometimes break down. The good news is that they can be repaired.
Family estrangement – when one family member intentionally cuts off contact with another – is a deeply personal and often painful experience.
While it has long been cloaked in silence, recent studies and personal accounts about breakdowns between adults and one of both of their parents are bringing this issue into the open. What’s been revealed is a nuanced picture of competing perspectives.
From the adult child’s point of view, estrangement is often a last resort after years of unresolved conflict, emotional neglect, or abuse. Many describe it not as a sudden decision, but as the culmination of repeated attempts to set boundaries or seek change.
As psychologist, Tamara Cavenett, told ABC News, estrangement is frequently about self-preservation. “Sometimes the cost of maintaining a relationship is simply too great,” she says.
Parents, on the other hand, often experience estrangement as a bewildering and devastating loss.
Sandra, a mother interviewed by ABC, described the silence from her daughter as a form of “living grief”. Many parents struggle to understand the reasons behind the estrangement, especially when they perceive the relationship as having been close or functional.
A 2023 study highlighted in The Independent adds further depth to this discussion. It found that adult children are over four times more likely to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers – 26% versus 6%. This disparity is partly attributed to traditional gender roles, where mothers are often the primary caregivers and thus maintain stronger emotional bonds.
Professor Rin Reczek, the study’s lead author, noted that “mothers are more likely to stay close with their children” due to their caregiving roles.
Interestingly, the study also found that estrangement is not always permanent. About 81% of estrangements with mothers and 69% with fathers eventually ended.
This suggests that while the emotional distance can be profound, reconciliation is possible – although it often requires time, empathy, and sometimes professional mediation.
Gender also plays a role in how estrangement unfolds. Daughters were found to be 22% more likely than sons to be estranged from their fathers, but slightly less likely to cut off their mothers.
Additionally, adult children who had experienced divorce were more likely to become estranged, while those with children of their own were less likely to cut ties with their fathers.
The reasons for estrangement are as varied as the families themselves. Some adult children cite political or ideological differences, while others point to unresolved trauma or toxic dynamics.
For parents, the pain is often compounded by a lack of understanding and the social stigma of being “cut off”.
Family therapist Jacqueline McDiarmid emphasises the importance of early intervention and validation.
“Often just the simple act of validation will prevent an estrangement,” she says.
Listening without defensiveness and acknowledging past hurt can be powerful steps toward healing.
Related reading: ABC, Independent
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